Thursday, October 20, 2011

Rules of Engagement

As I've said before, Christian has a lot of trouble getting out the words he wants to say.  He's not smooth.  He doesn't have great volume control when he talks.  His voice sounds a little flat and nasal.  He often uses words that are close, but not quite right.  For example, tonight he asked Dan, "How many grouse did you catch?"  Ehren jumped right in to correct him with "You mean shoot."  And then later, he was watching a show about stingrays, and he told me the divers were "just behind the surface of the water."  Of course he meant they were just under the surface.  To further complicate things, he's often got a shoe loose, or his pants twisted, or his pant leg tucked into a sock, or something on his face.  These issues don't win him respect or friends on the playground. 


This afternoon, we biked over to our neighborhood playground.  When we arrived, there were a lot of kids playing {which makes my kids happy}.  I sat on the sidelines playing a game on my iPod, but you know that we moms of kids on the spectrum are sneakily {I hope} hyper-observant of what social interactions may or may not be going on with our kids.  Christian wants so much to play with other kids and have them like him, so he was going overboard talking to one or two of the kids.  Listening to him talk, I'm always holding my breath and silently hoping for him.  I heard some good stuff, like Christian telling another kid what school he goes to.  He was also trying to tell this kid about one of his classmates who knows karate.  Then he was trying to show him a karate move {I don't think this was going smoothly, but I couldn't really see}.  Then there was some chasing around, Christian chasing another kid.  Not sure what that was about.  Meanwhile, Anna was busy playing with a younger girl, and I didn't hear Ehren saying much. 

All of a sudden, the whole group of kids packed up and left.  I didn't even realize they were all there together.  I don't think their decision to leave had anything to do with my kids.  Whoever was in charge decided it was time to go, but here's how things went down.  Christian said, "All the kids are gone." {and here comes the kicker}  Ehren replied, "And it's probably because of you."  Pause.  "You know, because you were chasing them around all the time or something." 

I find it interesting {or alarming} that Ehren is realizing more and more that Christian sounds and acts different.  It's the first time I've heard Ehren directly blame Christian for a social situation gone wrong.  The thing is, is that it's true.  Ehren definitely blends in with other kids better.  I didn't say anything to the boys about it.  I'm just not sure how to parent here.  I want Christian's social awareness to grow, but I don't want him to be hurt or give up or lose his confidence.  The funny thing is that although Ehren sounds smarter on the playground, Christian actually outperforms him in academics {slightly}.  I'm truly grateful to report that my three are still as tight as ever, but we will see how the differences continue to play out as they grow.  I always remind them that we're all on the same team, and as a family, it's important to stick together.  I hope it sticks.

7 comments:

  1. Just wanted to say that I really like this post. You don't often go in this direction, and it's nice see you have some of the same issues we have, but in a different way. I'm going to "share" it here and there.

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  2. Agree with Bonnie, loved the post! I suppose it is a catch 22 with the boys. They are lucky to have each other, to support each other and be there for each other; but then again, finding your independence away from your twin must be hard too. Gabe is a lot like Ehren, he tries so hard, and when he gets it right, it's awesome, but it's hard for him. Most times he starts talking to a kid/adult and just keeps on walking while he's talking without eye contact, but that will come. On a positive note, it's nice that Ehren has Christian and Anna to model some of the more social behaviors. He'll get there! And I love what you say about family and sticking together! Great post girl!

    Oh heehee, sneakily, love it :-)

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  3. Oh, fyi, I'm re-posting Sugar Witch today, thank you, 4-ever grateful for that GEM!

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  4. Thanks for the comments, and Cari, thanks for reminding me about the Sugar Witch. I'm going to need to pull that trick out of my hat again soon :)

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  5. Wow! I have some of these same stuggles with my kids. My oldest son, 2 years older than Shaddy, has social skills issues. He isn't quite on the autism spectrum, but he stuggles in some areas. He is so much the same as Christian on the playground. And he is oblivious to things like food on his shirt or face. :) It is so hard to watch him stuggle in those situations, when it is effortless for my other kids. I have no words of wisdom, but I feel your pain!

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  6. Thank you for this post. I don't have any advice, just prayer...it's what I do lots of for my crew. Nathan attends a group called Little Lambs every Wednesday evening while I am in Bible study. A couple of weeks ago his class was outside our window, they were all in a line marching around the playground....and there was my Nate at the end of the line, not marching and biting his fingernails...it made me feel bad for him. My husband encouraged me by saying ...Lisa, Nate will never march with the crowd, and don't ever think that that is a bad thing...point taken.

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  7. It's interesting because we have had issues with Teagan & Aubrey and I think it's a birth order issue or something. Teagan is always telling Aubrey "no" when Aubrey asks Teagan to be her friend. She started saying "no one will be my friend." Now that Aubrey is in school we have heard from her teachers that she plays alone. When we asked her why she said "no one will be my friend." I am not sure what the parenting answer is, but I try to be careful to let Teagan know that what she says makes Aubrey feel bad. Also, if Teagan can't include Aubrey in playground play then Teagan can't play either. It's a fine line between sibling rivalry and bullying. In today's world, what a child says about another child may be true but it isn't always necessary for a child to say it. Thanks for posting this and giving all parents food for thought when it comes to their child's social interactions! It's not any easy thing to deal with.

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